Hopeful

Bernard talks about a new clinical trial led by Dr. Denise Faustman, who is searching for a cure for Type 1 diabetes. I know that people are alternately excited & jaded with this clinical trial announcement. How many years have we been hoping for a cure? My God, we've only had diabetes in our family for less than a year, yet it seems like I have been wishing for a cure forever. There's a constant dialog with the divine running through my mind; it goes something like this: "Okay, here I am at Target and I have to remember to get lemon juice & laundry soap, speaking of laundry jeez I wish Daniel would stop wiping his bloody fingers on his pants legs, maybe I should get some spot cleaner and please let there be a cure for this damned disease by the end of 2008. Or at the very latest by the time he is out of high school."

I can't help but feel a leap of hope in my chest when these new clinical trials are announced. This could be the one, this could be the year, this could be the vaccine. I'd get Daniel in the trial if I could, but he doesn't qualify; he's not over 18.

I mean, people are flocking to China to get stem cell therapy to cure blindness in their children, laying thousands of dollars down on their hopes, on the love for their children. Is it working? Some people say yes. Some people say it is baloney. But I tell you, I would travel across the stars and back for Daniel if there was a cure I could buy, if someone could grant my child health in a vial.

At the same time, I'm working on my gratitude. This is like mental yoga -- where you use opposing forces in your muscles to build strength. I don't even know if I'm saying that right. I'm thinking of the downward dog pose, where you outwardly rotate the upper arms while at the same time pressing the base of the index fingers into the mat... it all leads to a strong arm. ANYWAY... what I mean to say is that I'm so happy Daniel is alive! That, although insulin is not a cure, it keeps him here with us! That although diabetes is a major pain in the ass (shots included) we are managing it day by day, hour by hour. I hate diabetes. But I'm learning from it. Opposing mental forces, making me stronger (I hope).

A kid Daniel's age, who was his classmate a couple of years ago, was killed on Friday along with his father in a small plane crash. The news rocked our house yesterday, and my thoughts & prayers flew out to the mom & sister, who lost both men in the family at the same time. The tragedy served to remind me: we don't know what's going to happen tonight, tomorrow, an hour from now. We have to live every day, really live it, stay aware, notice each moment as it passes just for its unique beauty.