Today we went to a Holiday Craft Day at our UU church. The kids made candles, hammered tin tubes to put around the candles, bags of dried bean soup, pine cones rolled in crisco & bird seed, and chocolates. They decorated the gingerbread church (see picture). We sang carols & Hanukkah songs, we had a picnic lunch, and a great time. When we got home, we got the holiday decorations out of the attic.
Later, I used the last of the Thanksgiving turkey in a pot pie. I didn't put a bottom crust in because I was trying to cut down on the carbs. I used a gluten free recipe, and counted all the carbs. I had more turkey than the recipe called for and wanted to use it up, so I added more veggies & broth.
I counted up the carbs for the flour, the cream, and the topping. It was a little soupy, so I ended up scooping out some of the sauce before putting the topping on. What the heck does that do to the carbs I counted out?
There wasn't enough topping to cover two dishes, so I made a little more. The dishes were not of equal size. I had to estimate what percentage went into which dish.
Have I mentioned that I was an English major, not a math major?
I thought I had it all figured out correctly. But looking at Daniel's evening number, I don't think that is the case.
It's so frustrating, trying to make this all work. Trying to get the numbers right, trying not to hurt my child. Did I do it wrong? Is it the fact that he is growing? Is the insulin getting old? WTF??? I try to keep everything under control and I JUST CAN'T.
We are not even a year into this disease, and I know we're still on a learning curve. Our holiday traditions have to change, to fit to our new situation. Yes, I'm going to figure out how to make gluten free cookies so Daniel won't be left out of the decorating and the nibbling. No, he won't have a lot of cookies because of the diabetes. Yes, I'll write down every carb in the recipe so I know exactly what is going into his mouth.
I want to think about presents and traveling for the holiday and our blessings, but tonight all I can think about are NUMBERS. Every day our we have a conversation about numbers. How can something that is so invisible to the majority of people take up 99 percent of our house?
5 comments:
It's not your fault. It's not his fault. It's nobody's fault, and it's beyond anyone's control.
Diabetes has too much to do with blame. I do the same thing... blame myself when I make a mistake, internalize that bad reading as a reflection of my ability to self care, or even a more general reflection of my self.
When I'm doing okay I know that the mess ups aren't my fault, but when I'm messing up I don't. And that's hard. I'm so sorry either of you had to be in that position this evening.
:(
It is no one's fault. Diabetes is so tricky, you can do everything right, count every carb, and still the numbers that we count on can produce such wonky results. I'm sorry this happened. I hope that you will be able to take this and move on. With this disease dwelling is no way to live. I hope you and Daniel are both feeling alright (emotionally and physically) now.
Thanks, you guys. Much better today. It helps if I get sleep and am not so off balance. Daniel's numbers have gone back in range.
My husband said I shouldn't do casserole-type things any more... but Daniel loves them. So I don't know. We'll just keep trying.
It sounds really frustrating and sort of scary, too. I would feel desperate to do it right for my child, and being human, and working with a human condition, I know I could never be 100% right all the time.
You are dedicated and you will find the way....
That last sentence you wrote is probably the most profound I've ever read concerning diabetes, btw.
It is frustrating doing your best to get everything right and then not having numbers come out the way you expected. No matter how right on you might be with carb counts and insulin dosages, the human body has a mind of its own and will react the way it wants.
Just know that we're all in the same boat :)
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